Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween

Hallooween has always been one of my kids favorite holidays. They love dressing up. They love candy. They seem to absorb the excitement everyone else has for it too.  This year isn't any different. They've been bounding around for days trying on costumes from previous years. Planning out if the costume should be different from day to night.

I love that they have this excitement still.

I'd made plans for us to go trick-or-treating at an old friend's house. We'd been there several times before, including several years for trick-or-treating.

But not this year.

This year I get a slew of texts from a mutual aquantance telling me that it's just going to be uncomfortable  if *we* show up this year.  I think, surely this person just has a random bee up their ass. Nope. Apparently, not. Ok.

Knowing this new information it makes me happy about a lot of decisions I've made this year. I'm glad I withheld my daughter from Scouts this year. I don't need a judgmental leader in her life. Someone who can so easily cast stones with no knowledge of facts doesn't need to be in her life.  Someone who has no first hand knowledge of what's going on in my life passing judgement need not be in it.

I am happy that we have continued with a Homeschool Group when another family has not. It seems we need to broaden the friend horizon and this is a great platform to do do that is free<R> of the type of judgemental types I am seeking to avoid.  

I am happy the Girl is on a swim team with nice kids to befriend.  The Mom's are nice and several of the new additions are fantastic.

I have never "Unfriended" anyone on FB. Ever. Until this week. While it sounds petty, I just don't want to care. I am hurt that someone I've known for years would judge me based on the words of another. But I've Unfriended several. And I doubt I'll change that. The damage has been done by all.

So I told my kids that the kids we were going to go see we're feeling under the weather and wasn't it going to be awefully cold anyhow? Plus we're going to the best party ever this afternoon with kids and people that LIKE US (for just being us).  So we don't really WANT to go over there anyhow. We're going chill and make fondu and watch a double creature feature.


I'll be with the people that matter most to me. I can create fun regardless of who tries to screw with my kids. But I don't forget those who do. My kids are the most precious things to me, don't mess with them.


Friday, October 24, 2014

An Open Letter To All

First of all, I'm sorry. I suck. I know I do. I know I am a forgetful friend, inconsiderate neighbor, lazy teacher, lackluster dog trainer, horrid farmer <--(yes, I know you all had bets out), retched parent (downright neglectful - depending on who ya ask), inattentive spouse (I'm sure that's being generous there too). I'm not going to even tackle my deficiencies as a cook, cleaner, chauffeur, bill payer, money maker, dress hemmer, or other myriad of people I am supposed to be.

But. I am trying. I get out of bed every day and I try. I fail, but I try.

I have a long term chronic disease that is never going to go away. I have more that 1, but really isn't 1 enough? I use to be able to do ALL of these things I listed. Maybe not perfectly. I wasn't ever a gourmet chef, nor so thoughtful of a neighbor they all adored us, let alone a world record dog trainer. But these were all done. I got up, tackled them all and still had energy, interest, ability to DO them.  I could go from 6 a.m. To 10 p.m. without a 3 hour nap or sleeping for a week after.

But I can't now.

My 9 and 8 year old kids know how to bring me and epi pen and steroids and Benadryl. They say at least a few times a week " oh, Momma's gonna take a nap now, let's go play!" And I have to let them. They don't know what Snickers, almonds, peanut butter, bananas, mango, avacado, or a huge number of other things taste like because *I* can't help them prepare them or have them near me. They don't know differently. They don't care. They try some of these things at friends houses or even get scared they have because they worry it will hurt me.



  • I get hurt SO easily that I tear tendons, get nerve damage and permanently damage stuff from innocent interactions. People have accused my spouse of abusing me. For years. Before we realized it was just " part" of the disease, the chiropractor would routinely ask how he treated me because I was always injured. Knees, ankles, wrists, ribs dislocated. I can see the worry, but no. And now?? The Girls swim coach asks where every bruise SHE gets comes from. She is bruised more than normal, and always covered in them. She has been bitten by a goose, fell off a branch, ran into a car, fell onto her brothers face. But they are always looking at ME like *I* caused them. 
 Even more fun? My spouse doesn't even care or pretend to care anymore. He has his " committee" of ill advised "business" people.  He's openly admitted that his business and company are so openly more important than anything I could ever be. Yeah. Try shove that one back down. Ever. I get so routinely told just how useless and stupid I am, pared with overwhelming inability to be anything.  I have been told " they liked me until I proved to be untrust worthy". Well, since I had yet to meet a single one of them, I find my true " untrustworthy- ness" really hard to question. But awesome. Thanks. Asshole. 

I am done with this all -this whole mess - so often. Stupid stuff. The empty boxes in the panty, over the top done. The girl has the dogs (all 5) trained to up get get food (only hers) off the table and screams like a harpy when they do it. Because, this too - my fault. I don't  even SIT at the table! The dogs know, darn well, my food is off limits.

Its taken me about a week to write this, which is why it's somewhat disjointed. I get tired, distracted, pulled away by kids, depressed by my own situation. Whatever. But I know a lot of people think I'm " quiet" and " wierd" and " odd". Sometimes I just don't say anything, because I'm tired and lonely and the weather just doesn't matter.