Friday, October 24, 2014

An Open Letter To All

First of all, I'm sorry. I suck. I know I do. I know I am a forgetful friend, inconsiderate neighbor, lazy teacher, lackluster dog trainer, horrid farmer <--(yes, I know you all had bets out), retched parent (downright neglectful - depending on who ya ask), inattentive spouse (I'm sure that's being generous there too). I'm not going to even tackle my deficiencies as a cook, cleaner, chauffeur, bill payer, money maker, dress hemmer, or other myriad of people I am supposed to be.

But. I am trying. I get out of bed every day and I try. I fail, but I try.

I have a long term chronic disease that is never going to go away. I have more that 1, but really isn't 1 enough? I use to be able to do ALL of these things I listed. Maybe not perfectly. I wasn't ever a gourmet chef, nor so thoughtful of a neighbor they all adored us, let alone a world record dog trainer. But these were all done. I got up, tackled them all and still had energy, interest, ability to DO them.  I could go from 6 a.m. To 10 p.m. without a 3 hour nap or sleeping for a week after.

But I can't now.

My 9 and 8 year old kids know how to bring me and epi pen and steroids and Benadryl. They say at least a few times a week " oh, Momma's gonna take a nap now, let's go play!" And I have to let them. They don't know what Snickers, almonds, peanut butter, bananas, mango, avacado, or a huge number of other things taste like because *I* can't help them prepare them or have them near me. They don't know differently. They don't care. They try some of these things at friends houses or even get scared they have because they worry it will hurt me.



  • I get hurt SO easily that I tear tendons, get nerve damage and permanently damage stuff from innocent interactions. People have accused my spouse of abusing me. For years. Before we realized it was just " part" of the disease, the chiropractor would routinely ask how he treated me because I was always injured. Knees, ankles, wrists, ribs dislocated. I can see the worry, but no. And now?? The Girls swim coach asks where every bruise SHE gets comes from. She is bruised more than normal, and always covered in them. She has been bitten by a goose, fell off a branch, ran into a car, fell onto her brothers face. But they are always looking at ME like *I* caused them. 
 Even more fun? My spouse doesn't even care or pretend to care anymore. He has his " committee" of ill advised "business" people.  He's openly admitted that his business and company are so openly more important than anything I could ever be. Yeah. Try shove that one back down. Ever. I get so routinely told just how useless and stupid I am, pared with overwhelming inability to be anything.  I have been told " they liked me until I proved to be untrust worthy". Well, since I had yet to meet a single one of them, I find my true " untrustworthy- ness" really hard to question. But awesome. Thanks. Asshole. 

I am done with this all -this whole mess - so often. Stupid stuff. The empty boxes in the panty, over the top done. The girl has the dogs (all 5) trained to up get get food (only hers) off the table and screams like a harpy when they do it. Because, this too - my fault. I don't  even SIT at the table! The dogs know, darn well, my food is off limits.

Its taken me about a week to write this, which is why it's somewhat disjointed. I get tired, distracted, pulled away by kids, depressed by my own situation. Whatever. But I know a lot of people think I'm " quiet" and " wierd" and " odd". Sometimes I just don't say anything, because I'm tired and lonely and the weather just doesn't matter.