Friends, Lies, and Sex

I seem to be really shitty at keeping friends. I admit to it being all me.  I have a line. A FIRM BLACK Line. Once this Line is crossed, I consider almost anyone dead to me. The Line is far, very far from most normal standards of decency.  This latest incident is the 3rd "friend" who liberally danced across the Line without even looking down. She and her puppet master of a boy toy so massively screwed me it was amusing to watch the dance. To watch as someone they find a good lay play them like a puppet and use them as they had so liberally used me is vindication of karma like no other.

Honestly, a simple apology is all that she needed to give. Seriously. "I am sorry." I would have gone back into the dance. So, Thank YOU, you selfish, lying bitch. Thank you for choosing your puppet master instead of a friend who has been loyal to you for 10 years. I will be watching at the finish line of your life- when you lose your house, your job. You've lost your kid already and you rightfully deserve it. You lie to me and except me to feel anything other that ire? You allow your lay of the day to accuse me of crimes YOU did and sit there silently like the puppet you are? Sure. Ok.

*Slow Clap* You win. You get to win. But are you the winner? Are you?? Am *I* the one to blame for your First marriage failing? Oh how about your last long term relationship? My fault, too. Oh or perhaps, you asked me how to get out of each. And perhaps they both didn't play you like the puppet you want to be. My bad. Oh!! How about it being my fault you argued with your puppet master the one time you found a spine. Yup. My bad. Surely it must be the tiny cameras I put on the sofas I gave you for free so JUST when you turn into a pussy I can tell you exactly what to say and *I* can mastermind your life.. Oh?? Wait!!! Nope. Never did that. Crazy right?!? I didn't mastermind anyone's life except for that of my CHILDREN!!

Now. As for the matter of putting the word "Rape" when someone tells me they have been forced to continue having sex.. When they repeatedly tell me they no longer wanted to. And even that it was recorded against their knowledge OR will. I'm just going to leave this gem here. It makes my argument for me. You LIE to me repeatedly and make up the accusation- that's between YOU, your maker, apparently your puppet master, and the one you have accused. NOT ME. I Didn't Say No, But It Was Still Rape.

I am tired of being used by people who have claimed me as "Friend" or hell even "Best Friend". Ironically. I am not the one cheating, lying, stealing. It isn't ME. The lack of moral activity has been committed by other people. Most people who KNOW me, should find this rather ironic. Truly. Ironic. Yet, this is the 3rd time in 2 years I have had to choose to burn the bridge - explode it- because I refuse to allow to let "Friends" use me to cheat on spouses, boyfriends, lie for them, and be used at their will just because they have thought my loyalty was just.. For their taking.

So, I guess *I* win. I win the release of not being used. Not being lied to. Not being blamed for the loss of - and please correct me if I could ever be wrong on this - the puppet masters child. Read that article. Puppet master has based his entire argument on THAT alone. Honestly, now ex friend. YOU deserve better than that. I would probably even eventually forgive them all if any were to actually appologize. But, I'm not holding my breath.

Fuming with Outrage

I very rarely actually attain "fuming" stage. I'm there. I've been sick for months. I've had to Epi Pen myself  7 times since the beginning of  October after NEVER using an Epi Pen. We've been searching for the cause of the elevated allergic state: viruses, different soaps, different food products, different additives in vitamins, ect. Until yesterday we've been coming up empty handed.  Cheese. The Shredded cheese that Walmart sells contains an antibiotic called NATAMYCIN. It is well known in my family that I am VERY allergic to anything in the MYCIN family of antibiotics. It causes anaphylaxis, throat swelling, eye swelling, severe stomach upset, ill feelings, among other issues.

I am fuming because I bought some pre-grated cheese from Walmart. I checked the label and the only warning it had was "Milk". Not an antibiotic. There are several manufactures that are using this antibiotic instead of other types of preservative so they can advertise as "Preservative Free". Kraft Singles are another such example. Makers are saying that it is a naturally occurring antifungal (some sources are saying found in soil, there for natural) so it is ok to advertise the products as "Natural" and "Preservative Free".

Only select products contain this extra additive. While Walmart's pre-shredded store brand cheese contains it, their same kinds of cheeses in blocks - do not. As mentioned above even the sliced cheeses aren't escaping unscathed. While I don't really want to be a cheese monger, it looks like I'll be getting to know my cheeses a lot better know than I have been. Surely I can get a good deal on a grater.

When It All Goes To Hell..

Posting will be sparse, if at all for a while. About 2 days after The Girl's birthday she was throwing a fit and I went to talk to her in her room. As I bent down to talk with her as she was flopping on the floor, she kicked my hand, hyper-extending it. So, now, my right hand has a tendon flopping about just like my left one was before the surgery of hell. I had an EMG a couple of weeks ago that shows no nerve damage has been done (yet). But, I have another appointment Monday for an ultrasound steroid shot - whatever the hell that is. This new doctor I was assigned is very un-informative and un-forthcoming with information. While the past hand guy was super douche, he at least was very straight forward with what and why he wanted to do something.

To make this little debacle better, my left hand has been going numb for a while and hurting fairly significantly. So, while I was there for the right hand I had the left hand looked at. He seems to think there is a reasonable chance of a ganglion cyst somewhere way down deep in the something canal? Once again, I don't really know he just said I needed to get an MRI of it to see if there was a cyst pressing on the ulnar nerve. So right now both of my hands are fully wrapped and braced and I look completely and utterly stupid. Not to mention both hands are completely useless.

So. Aside from costing a crap-ton of money every single time I have to go to the doctor, I am fully and completely useless. Of course we are having to downplay WHY my hand is broken too. "Oh, it was an accident, you totally didn't mean to kick me as you were screaming at me that you hate me." "Oh, honey, it could have just happened on it's own you know."  "Oh, dear, you know that I have that odd connective tissue disorder. I should be more careful." But really, what the hell. My hand is completely screwed because my kid kicked it. I love that child more than anything, but she is more than I know what to do with most of the time lately.

Monroe had her puppies the day before Thanksgiving. I attempted to put pictures up once and couldn't get them to post.

Bwahaha worked great on the laptop though!

Monroe did great having them here at the house this time. She needed a little help, but over all this is a completely different puppy experience than last time. There were 8 puppies total and 6 live ones. 4 boys and 2 girls.

This little boy is one we've nicknamed Scooby Snacks. He's SOOO stinkin' cute. He has one white-ish ear with a spotch in it and he's starting to bark at me when I walk past and leave him! He's visibly the largest too. I keep trying to convince C that we should make Scooby Snacks and Rosa a power team, but I'm pretty sure that's a no-go.

We've also found a local high school boy to come out on Saturdays and help with the bigger farm chores! This works out great for us! He earns money, we get some of the more labor intensive chores done that I had been doing prior to the hand issues. He is used to more labor intensive work too, he grew up on more land before moving closer into town not long ago and he plays on the local baseball team. This could work out well for us too if we ever get to go on that big vacation we keep talking about.

Birthday GIRL!

All I have is one massive QUESTION:

How did this:

Become THIS:

Happy #10 baby! We weren't sure you were going to get there this year. Maybe you'll get to 11 too!

Scandal

So I guess I've pissed off a lot of people with my last post. Ironic eh? Not a single person has the balls to say a single thing to me, yet I know somehow *I* am in the wrong again. I'm sure there is a select group of people gossiping, giggling, chatting like some how *I* have done some deep harm. I guess if any one of those people had valued me as a friend they would have bothered to talk to me. The one post has been passed around over 70 time since I am writing this - in 3 days time. I know what I wrote. I wrote the truth.  I am hurt by people who were supposed to be my friends. I am glad I made the choices I did, because clearly, they are not the outstanding moral people I thought they were. I am ok with my choices.

I am ok with standing by my spouse and not cheating on him as he and I work through our issues together. I will not tell him to abandon his kids on a holiday. Ever. There are so many men who so willingly pass up time with their kids, I won't do it. I won't be that woman who sides with "friends" instead of my spouse.

So be mad at me. I'll take it. Lots of things get blamed on me. But real friends. True friends. Don't ask these things. They don't ask their friends to choose between them or their spouse. You lose. True friends don't take words said and warp them, spread them, gossip them.

I'm not worried about people being mad at me. I HAVE real friends, that don't run out and get all excited because there's new gossip to spread around. They are kind, respectful, and supportive of ME and what *I* need - which is usually just someone to hear me.

If I had intended to create a scandal, there are much better ways to do it.  I'm just done with this mess. I should be able to confide in a friend and not be crucified for it. I had always done the same for her. More so even. The betrayal is dumbfounding.

So, Sure. Pass this around. I'll be at fault. I'm used to it. But also know that your information is probably wrong. You probably don't know a damned thing that's going on.  I learned my lesson on that I won't choose between a "friend" who betrays people and my spouse. My spouse wins. Clearly, I've made the right choice. (Since we've talked he's made significant efforts to be a great spouse and father. ) Whatever story is being passed on against me is only one persons against me side. If they need a win so badly, go for it. I don't. I'm already so far lost, one more loss isn't gonna matter. I'm a horrible person with no friends because they all betray and hate me. Because  I chose to not cheat on my spouse and gossip and share false information about people who are supposed to be my friends. 

Yup. And I'm the loser. Maybe I just need better "friends".

Halloween

Hallooween has always been one of my kids favorite holidays. They love dressing up. They love candy. They seem to absorb the excitement everyone else has for it too.  This year isn't any different. They've been bounding around for days trying on costumes from previous years. Planning out if the costume should be different from day to night.

I love that they have this excitement still.

I'd made plans for us to go trick-or-treating at an old friend's house. We'd been there several times before, including several years for trick-or-treating.

But not this year.

This year I get a slew of texts from a mutual aquantance telling me that it's just going to be uncomfortable  if *we* show up this year.  I think, surely this person just has a random bee up their ass. Nope. Apparently, not. Ok.

Knowing this new information it makes me happy about a lot of decisions I've made this year. I'm glad I withheld my daughter from Scouts this year. I don't need a judgmental leader in her life. Someone who can so easily cast stones with no knowledge of facts doesn't need to be in her life.  Someone who has no first hand knowledge of what's going on in my life passing judgement need not be in it.

I am happy that we have continued with a Homeschool Group when another family has not. It seems we need to broaden the friend horizon and this is a great platform to do do that is free<R> of the type of judgemental types I am seeking to avoid.  

I am happy the Girl is on a swim team with nice kids to befriend.  The Mom's are nice and several of the new additions are fantastic.

I have never "Unfriended" anyone on FB. Ever. Until this week. While it sounds petty, I just don't want to care. I am hurt that someone I've known for years would judge me based on the words of another. But I've Unfriended several. And I doubt I'll change that. The damage has been done by all.

So I told my kids that the kids we were going to go see we're feeling under the weather and wasn't it going to be awefully cold anyhow? Plus we're going to the best party ever this afternoon with kids and people that LIKE US (for just being us).  So we don't really WANT to go over there anyhow. We're going chill and make fondu and watch a double creature feature.


I'll be with the people that matter most to me. I can create fun regardless of who tries to screw with my kids. But I don't forget those who do. My kids are the most precious things to me, don't mess with them.

An Open Letter To All

First of all, I'm sorry. I suck. I know I do. I know I am a forgetful friend, inconsiderate neighbor, lazy teacher, lackluster dog trainer, horrid farmer <--(yes, I know you all had bets out), retched parent (downright neglectful - depending on who ya ask), inattentive spouse (I'm sure that's being generous there too). I'm not going to even tackle my deficiencies as a cook, cleaner, chauffeur, bill payer, money maker, dress hemmer, or other myriad of people I am supposed to be.

But. I am trying. I get out of bed every day and I try. I fail, but I try.

I have a long term chronic disease that is never going to go away. I have more that 1, but really isn't 1 enough? I use to be able to do ALL of these things I listed. Maybe not perfectly. I wasn't ever a gourmet chef, nor so thoughtful of a neighbor they all adored us, let alone a world record dog trainer. But these were all done. I got up, tackled them all and still had energy, interest, ability to DO them.  I could go from 6 a.m. To 10 p.m. without a 3 hour nap or sleeping for a week after.

But I can't now.

My 9 and 8 year old kids know how to bring me and epi pen and steroids and Benadryl. They say at least a few times a week " oh, Momma's gonna take a nap now, let's go play!" And I have to let them. They don't know what Snickers, almonds, peanut butter, bananas, mango, avacado, or a huge number of other things taste like because *I* can't help them prepare them or have them near me. They don't know differently. They don't care. They try some of these things at friends houses or even get scared they have because they worry it will hurt me.

• I get hurt SO easily that I tear tendons, get nerve damage and permanently damage stuff from innocent interactions. People have accused my spouse of abusing me. For years. Before we realized it was just " part" of the disease, the chiropractor would routinely ask how he treated me because I was always injured. Knees, ankles, wrists, ribs dislocated. I can see the worry, but no. And now?? The Girls swim coach asks where every bruise SHE gets comes from. She is bruised more than normal, and always covered in them. She has been bitten by a goose, fell off a branch, ran into a car, fell onto her brothers face. But they are always looking at ME like *I* caused them. 

 Even more fun? My spouse doesn't even care or pretend to care anymore. He has his " committee" of ill advised "business" people.  He's openly admitted that his business and company are so openly more important than anything I could ever be. Yeah. Try shove that one back down. Ever. I get so routinely told just how useless and stupid I am, pared with overwhelming inability to be anything.  I have been told " they liked me until I proved to be untrust worthy". Well, since I had yet to meet a single one of them, I find my true " untrustworthy- ness" really hard to question. But awesome. Thanks. Asshole. 

I am done with this all -this whole mess - so often. Stupid stuff. The empty boxes in the panty, over the top done. The girl has the dogs (all 5) trained to up get get food (only hers) off the table and screams like a harpy when they do it. Because, this too - my fault. I don't  even SIT at the table! The dogs know, darn well, my food is off limits.

Its taken me about a week to write this, which is why it's somewhat disjointed. I get tired, distracted, pulled away by kids, depressed by my own situation. Whatever. But I know a lot of people think I'm " quiet" and " wierd" and " odd". Sometimes I just don't say anything, because I'm tired and lonely and the weather just doesn't matter.